Life has been hard in 2009. Our country put in a new leader with radical leftist ideas that is bent on spending the money of my grandchildren! I have been sick with strep throat since January 31st. The economy makes me sad, and the way we are trying to repair it makes me even more sad. I have been sick, lonely, tired, and depressed. It's been a rough year so far. I hope it gets better, but for some reason there isn't much to hope for it looks like. I am sure that I will get well again, especially when it gets warmer, but as far as the economy goes and the insane spending spree Washington is on, I don't see much hope. For a man who ran on a message of "hope," his message now sure has me and others depressed. Sigh

So, WOW! I totally forgot I had a xanga! A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I am still with Timothy; we are engaged now. I graduate college in May, moved to Washington DC in August, and started graduate school. I like it up here in the District, but it does get lonely sometimes. I have a studio apartment in Northern Virginia. I have a little doggie named Sally, and she is the cutest. I also have three fishies--their names change every day when the kids come over and rename them haha.

Right now, I am in the midst of the end of the semester stress, and after reading a blog from this time last year, I realize that nothing has changed as far as my procrastination. I am working on three huge papers simultaneously that are due the first week in December. Regardless of how my procrastination habit has continued, I am not as stressed as last year. I have learned that all the stuff that needs to be done gets done, and you move on to a new semester so why worry?!?!?

Despite all the work I need to do, I am going home for Thanksgiving. It has been three weeks since I have seen Tim. While I know that I can make it longer (we went two months apart when I first moved here), I don't want to. I am leaving Tuesday to head for SC. I cannot wait to get home and see everyone. I haven't seen my family since August 10th when I left to chase my dreams here in the city!

I hope that everyone can know what it feels like to chase your dreams in real time! It's a great feeling and part of what keeps me going every day even when I am lonely. God is good, and He has put me here for a reason which is the other part of why I am able to keep going. Well I'm out! Peace!

So I am wondering what I am doing here...I am so stupid. I feel as if I have gone so far away from God that I cannot come back. In fact, coming back at this point is not only humiliating but is also scary. I feel as if I have to earn my way back or something, and I know I cannot do that. But God says "Come"; nothing more and nothing less. He only calls to us to come, but why do we make it so difficult?

Why in the world, when we have a loving Father, are we afraid of Him? Why do we believe that we have to jump through hoops to make him not angry with us, and thus neuter God. God is far beyond human, and this obvious fact leads us to believe that He is not just beyond human but a superhuman. God is not some superhuman power that we are attempting to please. God is God! He loves us unconditionally, and He only wants to see us bring Him glory.

Does God sit there like a scale that we have to even out? Do we have to do so much good to cover the bad in order that we may approach Him knowing that He is neutral towards us: neither angry nor happy? No! God is not like a scale. We have no need to go around trying to make the good outweigh the bad. We only need to follow and trust Him. A person cannot take back mistakes; he or she can only move forward with what they have made of life.

But, there is hope after mistakes. We have hope in the fact that God is a God of grace. In fact, we can more than hope; we can rest secure. In my life, I have made so many mistakes especially lately. And I have this feeling of fear and guilt. That is not God; that is Satan. God wants us to feel his forgiveness and serenity.

I was approached last week with a scary idea: the God that we see is often what we view our fathers to be. I started thinking about that, and I just can't let it go. Some people see their father as a person that never gives them approval. Some have a great fear of their father. I, on the other hand, do not fear my father or seek his approval. I see my father as someone that I do not wish to disappoint. Its not that I do things to gain my father's approval; no, I do the opposite. I try to keep away from things that would make him think badly of me. Lately, this has not been the case because my father is in such a mess that I have lost respect for him. But, I am talking about as a child. I constantly stayed away from deep trouble because I wanted my father to not be disappointed.

Now, to my distorted view of God. I have stayed away from certain things because I feel that they would shame me in front of my Father. However, in my recent past, I have shamed myself. I feel so ashamed that I am afraid to run back to Him. But the thing is that this is a distorted view of God that I hold, and I will have to move past it. God is not someone to be afraid of. The Bible does make reference to a fear of God, but I believe this is more of a respect. I don't believe that I should feel ashamed in returning to God because the Bible also says that we may approach the throne boldly. Its just that my view of God is not only distorted, but it was shaped in my early years by what I thought of my earthly father; therefore, it is well-ingrained.

Now to all of you, I extend a challenge. I am going to spend the next few weeks discovering who God really is, but I wish that all of you would reevaluate your view of God. What do you believe God to be? Then take whatever you write down and compare it with the Bible because that is the only way that we can discover God. I also want to extend a second challenge to those of you who may be fathers. Your children are defining God in terms of you because you are the only father they know. Be sure to give them a correct view of God. Don't mistreat them, and love them no matter what! Children are a gift from God, and I believe it is both a responsibility and a blessing.

I hope that all of you can follow me as I trace the real God: the One who created and sustains the universe, who put me here with a special purpose, who loves me more than anyone can imagine, who wants to see be dance on His stage for Him as His child, who really has my best interest in His plan, who sacrificed his Son to be with me!